7 reasons why Shia Labeouf can’t fill Indiana Jones’ shoes

George Lucas recently told Fox News

“I haven’t even told Steven or Harrison this,” Lucas said. “But I have an idea to make Shia [LeBeouf] the lead character next time and have Harrison [Ford] come back like Sean Connery did in the last movie. I can see it working out.”

Derober believes that Shia LaBeouf fighting terrorists in an Indy-esque role would be, well, Hindenburg-esque. His character’s name is Mutt for Christmas’ sake! Paying audience says, “No ticket. No ticket.” Why? Roll your mouse over each photo and enjoy the 7 reasons:

REASON #1
Shia doesn’t meet Indy height requirements

Harrison Ford stands a solid 6′1″ while Shia LaBeouf is a petite 5′10″. Indy is short for Indiana. Shia is short because he’s short.

~ Roll mouse over photo to Derobe ~

REASON #2
Indiana Jones punches men like a freight train. Shia LaBeouf punches women like a cotton candy hammer.

Have you ever heard Indiana Jones’ punch sound effects? They’re like a MAC truck full of roaring lions that just drove out of the Apocalypse. Their pitch frequency resonates at a level mankind will never fully comprehend. Blue whales off the coast of eastern Asia are rumored to be the only species that can decipher the code in Indy’s punches. Only teletubbies can hear the sound of Ninnypants LaBeof’s punches.

~ Roll mouse over photo to Derobe ~

~ Roll mouse over photo to Derobe ~

REASON #3
A LaBeouf and a Ford

The Surname Ford evokes strong masculine imagery of muscle cars and Americana. A LaBeouf is some sort of French Sea Monkey.

~ Roll mouse over photo to Derobe ~

REASON #4
Harrison Ford’s body of work is stout, while Shia LaBeouf is just a product of Disney.

Ford starred in not one, but two epic trilogies that helped catapult me into puberty–Star Wars and Indiana Jones (of course). He also did another little movie you might of heard of called The Fugitive. His presence on screen could captivate an army of ADD diagnosed children yipped up on cocaine. He could impregnate a woman (or man) with a subtle grin. Simply put, Ford wears the pants in any relationship. Shia LaBeouf on the other hand has a history of whoring himself out to massive audiences of children, staring in corporate gum-droppy kid’s shows for Disney. No leading man of mine is a mouseketeer.

~ Roll mouse over photo to Derobe ~

~ Roll mouse over photo to Derobe ~

Reason #5
Short Round would make a better Indiana Jones than LaDouche

Short Round, the show stealer in Temple of Doom makes Shia look like She-Ra. My dead cat’s name is She-Ra. Dollars to donuts Short Round could rip LaBeouf’s beating heart out of his chest and laugh about it. No time for love Dr Jones!

~ Roll mouse over photo to Derobe ~

Reason #6
Indiana is a ladies man, not a mangina

Harrison Ford can make girls wet by clipping his toe nails. True story. Ask Cary Fisher and I’ll bet she’ll plead the fifth due to a severe case of ‘can’t walk straight.’ Shia on the other hand has a chick’s name, 6 pubic hairs, and plays with transformers. Close the book on this one.
Our fingers are crossed that Shia’s “lead singer” is indeed stuffed between his legs this is not an actual cooter.

~ Roll mouse over photo to Derobe ~

Reason #7
General Douchebaggery

Shai exhibits feminine characteristics in all areas of running, jumping, swimming, skiing, and breathing. It’s a sort of douche-aura he carries with him at all times. This is our appeal to George Lucas, please don’t make this stubby little poser the next Indy -or Mutt, I should say. You have a responsibility to the next generation of Indy lovers. Do you want them to tell their kids, “I remember when Indiana Jones Jr. got himself in a spot with some snakes and soiled his diapers… strait through.”

~ Roll mouse over photo to Derobe ~

On a completely semi-related note, check out Shia’s co-star on Transformers (The Megan Fox) topless HERE

Original here